Well, friends, Halloween has come and gone this year. While the kids had a great time and scored lots of candy, I can’t help but feel like a total failure as a parent. I’m almost too embarrassed to admit this but…not one of my boys wanted to be a princess this year. I know, I’m horrible, but it isn’t as if I didn’t try.

I went to my first born first, because I thought he would be the most socially aware and most understanding of the modern world. I showed him dress after dress, assuring him I’d be totally cool if he wanted to be Belle or Rapunzel or better yet Tiana.  He just acted annoyed and insisted that he wanted to be Kylo Ren from the new Star Wars movie. I couldn’t believe how closed-minded this kid was being. He almost cried about it. How does he know Kylo Ren is even a good character? The movie isn’t even out yet!

My middle son was next to choose and he wanted to be a Stormtrooper. I was almost immediately deflated until I realized there was a glimmer of hope!

“Great! You can be Captain Phasma! She’s totally cool because she’s a challenge to patriarchal society’s social constructs of gender identity. I bet she even gets paid the same as her male counterparts.”

You know what this kid said?

“No, I’m a boy Stormtrooper.”

The youngest was my last hope. I showed him tiaras and butterfly wings but he wasn’t even a little curious. He wanted to be a shark. Apparently wise to my attempts to steer him into being able to fully express who he is on the inside, he insisted his costume was a boy shark.

Don’t these little…don’t they understand that I want high fives from other cool dads? Don’t they get that if none of them want to be a girl, I won’t have the chance to have Gawker and Huffington Post write articles about me that go viral because I’m so totally awesome? No! They don’t care. They just want to do the stereotypical boy thing, my feelings be damned!

What did I do wrong to have such stubborn cisgendered boys? How did I fail so terribly as a dad? I’m sorry internet; I’m not the best father ever.